I met the friendliest cop last night
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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