Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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