I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
