1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
