mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
