Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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