Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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