so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
