If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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