what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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