this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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