i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
