What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
