Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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