im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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