That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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