I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
