I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
