Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
