u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
