I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
