he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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