I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
