I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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