I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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