just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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