____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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