my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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