yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
