i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
