maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
