bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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