I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
