1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
