just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
