I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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