I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
