This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
