i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
