Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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