i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
