Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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