***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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