Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
