I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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