shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
