At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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