i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
