the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
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