Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
